the best thing i've done

Today marks the official one year anniversary of my purposeful unemployment. I sugar coat my departure to my professional contacts and co-workers; but the truth is I left my job because I am a human-being not a punching bag. I left my job because my supervisor and I could not communicate effectively. I left my job for my mental and physical health. I left my job because my employer deserved an employee who wanted to work 80 hour weeks/weekends, to do the work that needed to be done, to sacrifice their life and health to a job which paid terribly and received little recognition. I was not that person. I believe in a work life balance and my time with my employer was never balanced. My life, my education and my relationships suffered, I had enough. So, I made a plan, I saved my money and I quit my job. I promised myself the next year would be about me, about healing and about finding the balance I was missing.

As I look back on the goals I set for myself, those I accomplished and those I have yet to work on; I am conscious of my state of mental and physical health and how leaving a position which made me terribly unhappy was (so far), the best decision I have ever made! The past 365 days have been for reflection on my work-self and my personal-self. What went wrong and how do I recover me, and the future work me from the wounded soul who emerged one year ago? What actions have I taken to better myself, discover a new career field or further my education? What have I done with this year?

I began my one year journey with the completion of my masters degree. I finished the course I had been neglecting during the last few months of work and began researching and writing my thesis. I knew it would be a difficult challenge but post employment I found myself with more time than activities to fill it. I woke up every morning, worked on my paper, napped through the heat of summer mid-day, went to the gym, did something social-nurtured social/familial relationships, played classic Nintendo, read books and watched TV. All of the things I was neglecting working long days and most weekends. I had fun, I stayed up until the sunrise on many occasions. I did what I wanted when I wanted. It felt good.

Nonetheless, I set goals for myself, big and small. I challenged myself to do things I had never done. Silly things like beating Mario Brothers, Mario Bros 3 and Super Mario World without cheating. Healthy things like going to the gym and watching what I ate. Research paper goals; finding one new source, outlining a chapter, writing 2 pages. Reconnecting with a friend or taking a moment to understand me. The thesis thing happened and was easier than I thought. I re-took the LSAT and improved my score. In fact, with the time and energy I needed to do my work, things that seemed difficult or impossible only a month or two prior were simple and fast.

I traveled. First to visit friends who I neglected during the course of my employment, then to see places I wanted to see and was unable to take a proper vacation to do so, when I had my job. Reconnecting with people was empowering. My trip to Portland, Oregon even inspired me to take charge of my weight. Traveling with my mother and aunt rebuild family relationships, strained by my continual (work induced) absence from family events. Time spent on buses, trains and planes was time to reflect and plan next steps to re-order my priorities and just be.

I gained over fifty pounds during the time I worked for my previous employer. My physical health was in peril, I was very unhappy with my body size and prior to leaving my job could do very little to change things. I worked so much, I lived on fast food. I was so unhappy I made bad food decisions seeking comfort and happiness from the food I ate. Leaving changed that. On a budget and with time to spare I could focus on my body and my health. I could go to the gym, join weight watchers and prepare my own healthy food. I promised myself when I quit my job I would spend the time gained becoming healthier. I am thrilled to tell you I succeeded!

Central America was my primary travel obsession for years, leaving my job meant traveling here. Almost everyday I spend in this paradise I think, "this is one of the greatest moments of my life." The annoyances; bugs, heat, humidity, etc...are merely stories to share and in my way more relaxed than usual state of mind, these problems are easily pushed away for adventure and knowledge. I learned the basics of Spanish conversation in only a few weeks. I have improved my scuba diving skills and started this blog. This trip is an adventure and an education. I am learning about other cultures, about myself and about others. Travel in Central America and the rest of the world is a chance to open my mind, the hillapinnia blog is the chance to share that with others.

This blog has been a source of healing as well, writing my experiences and my thoughts, sharing the good and the bad is therapeutic. My job made me depressed and angry. The past year has been spent letting go. I promised myself at the one year point I would let all of my anger and frustration with my former employer go. Today is that day, I hope I am ready.

I wonder where the next year will lead. I am having a hard time deciding the course. I love diving and could see myself as a Dive Master or PADI Instructor. I have acceptances to Law Schools that I still don't know if I want. I have a degree in a field I no longer want to work in. To be honest other than travel, there are very few things I want from life. This quixotic indecisive feeling can be bothersome. My life was on track, I had a plan. But, I didn't want that plan. So I left it behind. The lingering question of "now what", is scary. Deciding what the next step should be is scary.

The last year of my life has been filled with ups and downs. Positive moments and some negative ones. Quiting my job is the best thing I have ever done and I have no regrets. The next year will be as much of a surprise to me as it is to you. I am looking forward to my happy and healthy future no matter where that is.